Thoughts on the Journey

I keep having vivid and not terribly comforting dreams and feel odd. Earlier this week on my walk, I tripped and hurt my ankle and my shark week also started with a vengeance so I haven't been walking as much. The past few days I did some shopping for shark week supplies and today fresh veg. In terms of what I need and all, I'm doing okay but my thoughts are all over the place. I also found out yesterday that a dear family friend who hasn't been doing great health wise is in the hospital, negative for Covid but still sick.

My writing has been moving slowly, I feel like I might be able to get something finished soon which would be nice. I made a bracelet from a kit that a friend won for me in a giveaway. That was fascinating to do and actually helpful as its not a skill I know very well, so a good change of focus.

Easter is usually a time when my family gets together for a big meal, we've never been hugely religious about it, more about time with family. We're thinking about trying to do a video chat tomorrow which would be nice.

In odd but good family news, my father sent me some money from my sister's estate that I'm going to use to get a new computer and put in savings and my state tax refund came in. I miss her so much and continue to be grateful that she wasn't in a rehab or hospice during these days.

I recently had possibly good news, I have a job interview on Thursday for a job that would only be for a month. Its through a job agency but could be a nice opening and a way to make some money before the school year gets going again. And there’s the constant thrum of anxiety about my sister that’s always there.

But I’m having all sorts of doubts hitting me ranging from job worry to not being a good enough writer to everything. I also keep having complicated dreams about grown up TaleSpin characters which I really should try and write. That’s one of those shows of my childhood and as Disney has been putting out Disney Afternoon toys, its reminded me how much I love that world.

Things are good, I know that. This is just my summer doldrums combining with reading lots of people writing really good stuff and fretting. I think some of the writing worry is because I think I’m ready to start sharing actual major parts of the various AUs I’ve been working on. And there are some really great AU writers in the fandom so I get to overthinking how good am I. I know I’ll feel better when I can say, here’s the first chapter or here’s the first part.

I signed up for the Narnia Fic Exchange as well, I love it, its the 10th year and I love doing exchanges. And when the rebelcaptain exchanges start going later, I’m going to actually sign up as writing for exchanges is something I love doing.

Yesterday was fun, I spent the morning helping kids make shaking noisemakers out of plastic eggs, spoons and lots of duct tape then the evening cooking black-eyed peas and watching Reign. That show works for me, I think part of it is the music and the acting, also I treat it like history fanfiction. There were some moments when I looked at the outfits and situations and went, really, but its fun and pretty.

Last night, I slept for so long, it was wonderful. I woke up after having a great dream too that I'm going to hold onto. I dreamed that I was with my parents at a museum or some big city and there was this woman that had a stall selling all sorts of things. We got to talking with here and we each found various things then my parents went on ahead. I stood with her a while and we shared a glass of bourbon. Since I've been up, I've been thinking about that dream and how she wasn't in one slot, but she was happy. The way I end up moving forward might not be with one full time job, I might end up with a number of options that I enjoy.

For Yuletide, I wrote:

The Outlaw Wade or A Young Lawyer's Journey (1177 words) by FiKate
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: 3:10 to Yuma (2007)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Ben Wade, Original Male Character(s)
Additional Tags: dime novel, Post-Canon, Canon-Typical Violence, stagecoach robbery, in world fiction
Summary:

This story was written for DesertScribe who was interested in Ben Wade and gave me many ideas to work with. I ended up wondering about that dime novel of William's and how Ben is perceived through that lens. As Ben rides the train towards Yuma, he reads a dime novel written about himself before he finds an opportunity to escape.

My recipient DesertScribe was easy to write for as they gave me lots and lots of ideas and I only had to pick one. I decided to focus on Ben directly after canon and then I had this thought about dime novels and trying something a little meta. I'm happy with how it turned out and they enjoyed it.

Along with my wonderful Carmilla fic, I also got a great Yuletide Treat called A Promise set post canon of Scorpio Races, a short and potent fic.

I've been reading through reveals and I loved so many of your fics. May this New Year be full of joy for everyone!

My mind was a rather strange place last night as I dreamed that I was not Batman and not exactly Bryce Wayne but someone in between. I was investigating something at a girl's boarding school that reminded me of the main castle in Prague. As in there was the entire little city in this small space, it was a claustrophobic sort of dream. Also at some point in the dream, I turned into a student who was lost and couldn't figure anything out.

I'm pretty sure I know why I had such a dream, that was because last night I watched the season finale of Hannibal and then before going to bed finished reading The A.B.C. Murders by Agatha Christie and there were unexpected parallels going on.

( Spoilers for Hannibal, entire season and A.B.C Murders )

Otherwise, I'm finding it weird to not be heading off to work and so am spending a lot of my time writing and preparing to head to the ALA conference in Chicago from June 27th to July 1st. I'm excited and scared as I know there's more I need to be doing to really be at my best for looking for a job. I have blog posts that I should get writing but mainly that words I keep getting at the moment are fandom ones. I did get some minicards made up for myself, which I love. They have all my pertinent information on them and as my Wordpress blog is pretty much my digital portfolio, they should work.

On Wednesday, I went to the Detroit Zoo and had an amazing time, it was wonderful to just wander around and enjoy the crowds of kids and the beautiful weather. The only annoying part was that when I was trying to get a picture of the prairie dogs, I missed where the concrete changed and skinned my elbow and acquired a nice bruise on my knee. I'm still a little sore since I didn't fall all the way down, I took a major bump. I think I might end up doing another post with just those pictures or at least some of my favorites for those who don't follow me elsewhere to see them.

In terms of fandom writing, I wrote a femslash piece for the Marvel Femslash Prompt Fest, its a little out of my normal round but the prompt clicked for me. Harder than Steel, which is Raven/Emma and explicit.

Today has also been a busy day as the DE was a prompt one and I wrote a number of fics, some of I might expand out and I'm still open for more prompts there.

It was also FicFriday over on Twitter and I'm still taking prompts there as well.
( Twitter Fics )

I have really needed a vacation though my worries keep creeping in. Last night I dreamed that I was sort of like Lou from The Young Riders but also mixed up in a performance for something. There was lots of rushing about and trying to get things done, but I have been sleeping a lot.

Today I got out of the house to spend some time at a cafe and do some shopping, I love my friend but cabin fever can creep up on me quickly. In some nice news, through my work email, there are these really nice emails from other people there that remind me that I am valued and seen. Its just not by those in charge, but I am.

Now I don't usually post snippets but my writing at this point seems to be in bursts. Things get started and go so far then stop and start on me. Its just how I am now with life, I don't feel like I've figured out how to live this life I currently have.

This is a complete part of something that I hope will be bigger, but I want to share it with those who inspired it. Now over in panfandomsandbox, adiva_calandia plays this rule 63 Nolanverse Batman, Bryce Wayne who is amazing. She and Charles have this complicated, prickly and frankly weird relationship that I love and need to have at least one fic where they sleep with each other. So I decided to start a fic with that in mind, but it took a sharp right turn as soon as I started.

I will write them together just once, they are not meant for romance but I can see them both hurting and needing. This is a long way of saying that I wrote something with the two of them and a guest appearance by walksbyherself's Kite that I really want to share. I think this will end up having more, it feels like a story of snapshots while other fic will come along.

The current title is from The Wallflowers new album and feels far too apt for them.
( Love is a country best crossed when you're young. )

Last night before a quite nice dinner party, I had some good conversations and one mess that's been being awful for many people is on the way to being cleared out. The dinner party was nice though sadly near the end of it, my cough decided to hit and hit hard. In the end, I headed to bed rather early but still woke up at about 4 am coughing, this is becoming a not fun cycle for me. I know I have asthma and whatever cold or flu I had earlier in the summer has just got it bad again. Some of it is probably asthma combining with allergies and I need to go get it checked out. I think I'm reaching a point where I can actually do that now that my stuff is where it needs to be.

One thing that made this morning not quite as fun was that in the midst of coughing, I had a copule of dreams about getting lost. Now when I remember dreams, I try to make them into one narrative though I know they're not. As I write it out and if you've read my other dream posts, I do try and separate them but dreams are strange and fascinating.

Now the first part of the dream was at a party in a rather fancy house, for some reason, I made the connection to the show Dallas. The house was large and rambling and I knew one of the young men in the family and there was lots of going about and trying to do things. At one point in the dream, I had to go through the kitchen which you could only enter and exit by climbing on ladders set into interior windows. As I tried to go through them, I kept apologizing to the people working in the kitchen who were trying to direct me how to do it but it scared me. I don't like heights and ladders and stepladders make me nervous. The dream changed before I actually got through the kitchen.

Next part of the dream I was in I think New Zealand, but I don't know the city. I think the young man from earlier was with me and I was getting ready to leave. I had a huge backpack, not a hiking one just a large school one and a bulging folder of papers that had all my travel stuff. We had been doing something and then I looked at my watch and realized that my flight was leaving very soon. My watch said 1:05, that was clear but I couldn't find the right paper with my flight information. The guy was being so nice and kept reminding me that I'd caught flights with not much leeway before, I did on my way back from Rhode Island. In the dream, that wasn't helping that much because I was in the panic of I know where I need to be, how can I get there. Then I started towards a light rail or something that would get me there, a Brazilian team was also nearby and trying to catch their plane as well. I woke up before getting to the airport but it left me feeling nervous and a little out of sorts.

When I was little, I had a real problem with sleeping in and being late. I got called into the office for it, that's why it tends to turn up in anxiety dreams of mine, because I have to work on it. I still do, if I have to be up really early, I set my alarm earlier than I need to get up to allow lots of time. Then I still wake up even earlier for fear of missing my alarm. Though I'm fairly sure I know what anxieties these dreams are tapping into, I was told this week that I'd find out about the most recent job.

Last night, I had one of the worst nights sleeps I've had since I was sick. I woke up coughing around 4 am and wasn't able to get back to sleep for another hour. Then I had this incredibly complicated and awful series of dreams. Parts were cool, I was at Starfleet Academy and young Picard was there, but there was some kind of attack. Then I was in a mall and in this store full of lots of gifts that were small and in pieces. One was this ceramic box full of beautiful tiny angry bird figurines. Now normally this shop would be a place I'd like but somehow one of my exes was there, the awful Republican one from high school and we were somehow engaged. I didn't want to be engaged and I felt sure that he'd tricked me or something but couldn't see how to get out of it. There was someone I trusted around, my mother was there later but I think someone else was in the shop part of the dream. We had to buy something from this store due to our engagement and then suddenly I was going on a bus for the invasion part of the dream and finally was able to say no to the ex. He was passive-aggressive and awful at me and then I woke up. The plan was to leave this morning for some bureaucratic stuff before someone came by to clean the house, she's nice and very talkative.

Well, I overslept, grumbled but am now registered as a Democrat to vote in Sussex County, and we ended up being able to watch the Olympics at the place we had lunch. After that I stopped off in Lewes to sit in a cafe and read. My list of stuff to do seems to be growing in weird ways and I kind of want to go back to sleep.

Yesterday was awesome as my parents had paid to see this shipwreck and before it there was a fascinating lecture about all the basic living stuff they found on it. Its called the DeBraak, this is a blog about it, at the moment it doesn't have a museum yet so its in various places. The tour reminded me of just how much I adore maritime history and that I'm always so much happier when I'm living near the water.

My main things to do at this point are more tying off loose ends to do with bills, address changes and the like as well as figuring out my schedule for the Lewes Library. I still need to unpack more but today is a day when I feel tired. Also I have letters and cards I want to send out and bah, my list is too long.

Oh and I have figured out how to watch the Olympics though TunnelBear does really make you pay for all the streaming so I'm being thoughtful in what I watch.

Editing to add my horoscope from Uncle Rob.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The coming week will be prime time to
celebrate your eccentricities and cultivate your idiosyncrasies. Do you like
ketchup on your bananas? Is heavy metal the music you can best relax
to? Do you have a tendency to break out in raucous laughter when people
brag about themselves? I really think you should make note of all the
qualities that make you odd or unique, and express those qualities with
extra intensity. That may grate on some people, true, but it should have a
potent healing effect on you.

I like this horoscope a lot as I'm currently feeling rather unmoored and not certain of where I fit. I'm quite betwixt and between, but I know how to be myself.

Today has started off oddly and so as I look for threadbrain, I'm going to do this lovely 5 topics meme. Last night I dreamed that a friend from high school was trying to kill me as in the dark of my room, it was a disturbing dream. Then I woke up to find out I'd missed the call from the movers, called back and left a message saying, please I want more information.

Also the bandage on my ear lobe is about to fall off and I think its all healed but its hard to tell. I need to go to the university health center and get it looked at. I have this bad habit of reaching up and playing with my ear lobe and I'm worrying that maybe I've made it heal badly. I need to stop fretting over it and get it looked at. Basically I'm feeling like there are a few too many thoughts going around in my head.

This meme I think will help sort them out. I'm going to tackle the library/job topics and then come back for the other ones.

Comment to this post saying "FIVE!" and I will pick five things I would like you to talk about. They might make sense or be totally random.

Then post that list, with your commentary, to your journal. Other people can get lists from you, and the meme merrily perpetuates itself, hopefully for the rest of eternity!

(I don't really care if you say "FIVE" or let me know some other way. Just for the record.)

in_the_blue gave me:

1. ( libraries )
2. travel
3. ( job hunting )
4. your very favorite fictional character
5. ( where you see yourself in ten years )

This week has gotten off to a rocky start for me. I have all these work things I want to be writing but my body hasn't been nice. I've been sore and tired and just wanting to curl up as rather depressing stories took over my brain.

Also I've been feeling unhappy about weight and stuff like that but I'm trying not to focus on it too much as that never works for me. Soon there will be farmer's market and seeing family and it'll get sorted. I'm feeling in limbo, but this current job avenue makes me hopeful that maybe I won't be in it for too long.

My dreams last night were weird as well, which I think added to this a little off feeling that the bank stuff added to. The first dream, I woke up to two guys in my house who were taking me away to an asylum. It was terrifying as I felt trapped and was conscious of itches I couldn't reach until I woke myself up. The second one wasn't scary just odd of going on a family outing but I had to get to work soon and so couldn't enjoy myself.

Today when I went into pick up an extra shift, I learned that something I thought had been cleared up over a bill hadn't and I'd gone into overdraft. Thankfully my bank is nice and its in the process of being sorted out but it sucks. I was looking forward to seeing The Hunger Games later today as I did work early but I guess it'll have to wait, maybe Friday or on the weekend.

Now I'm just trying to get my head back to focusing on job things and all the letters I was excited about writing that have been rather derailed by money stress. Sometimes being an adult is a pain.

The good part is that the weather is being beautiful here again and finally feeling like Spring. Its sunny and a little chilly but not as cold as it has been. As I've been doing extra shifts, I keep walking by beautiful flowers and taking lots of pictures.

Title: Dark of our dreams
Characters: Charles Xavier, Raven, Erik Lensherr, Alex (Havoc) Summers, Hank McCoy, Moira MacTaggert
Fandom: X-Men: First Class
Rating: R for nightmare images of trench warfare, fire, disorientation and non-graphic sex.
Disclaimer: No one belongs to me, I'm just borrowing them to write.
Summary: Charles knows how to control his mind and the minds of others but when he sleeps, he can't exert the same control. Instead the strangeness of dreams takes away the certainty he feels inside his own head. This story looks at how he copes with dreams and nightmares.
Thank you to ashen_key for suggestions and advice in helping this story come together.
( After a week of feeling in a haze, he decided he would figure this out and would craft a wall to keep himself safe from the dreams that came in the dark. )