Thoughts on the Journey

I'm on break, which means that I can sleep all I need to, which is wonderful. The not so wonderful part is that my body has taken this chance to go, wait, I don't have to do stuff and then fallen over. It's annoying as there are things I want to do and I will end up doing them. I'm almost wondering if I keep having a delayed reaction to being done with masters and all the looking for work stuff as they're both pretty draining. Then with the Milliways' transition during the holidays, I didn't have time then either to stop and truly decompress and I accept that I probably won't really get that time. Instead I'll grab any moments of not having to do anything that I can.

My dreams are reflecting this feeling of being tired and worn out. Last night I had two quite different but not terribly fun dreams that were about doing things right and measuring up in ways I didn't understand.

The first one I was someone like Sameth, a powerful wizard who suddenly found out that they could do a whole other type of wizardry. So I went to a gorgeous and huge bookstore where this other wizard, who sort of looked like Sirius was and suddenly I was having to prove myself by fighting. First I had to escape from constantly pouring sand, then awaken the old wood of bookscases while flying somehow, it was all stressful and beautiful. I could feel the pressure of the wood under my hands and see it twist and grow. I don't recall the ending of that one.

The next thing that happened which I'm pretty sure was another dream, I was in a big city. It felt like New York and I was at this lovely party in a fascinating and out of the way bar. There was a cute guy and we were connecting and it was great and then I had to get myself home. I figured out public transit to get to this big and rather scary station where I couldn't tell where the tracks were and it seemed built into a hill. I know this because at one point, I thought I had to go down to get to the proper track and when I looked down, it was so steep I backed up in fear. Then I kept trying to find maps and try and make sense of where I had to go next and after that I woke up.

I know that both these dreams are about finding my place and figuring out where I go next and they just have a touch of anxiety as I am worried that I won't find anything. I think at this point in my life, I have to keep trying to present myself as confident in all my job interactions and keep making connections. Something will change and I will find where I fit.

ashen_key found this charming comment fest and I've already written a story for it; We're having tea, a post-canon Sameth and Ellimere fic. Go take a look and see if you get any ideas and I hope everyone's weekend goes towards the better.



Spread a little warmth and happiness this weekend!

I had a dream last night about being eaten by a giant squid so the day can only improve.

The past two nights my dreams have been restless and hard to leave behind when I wake. Last night I seemed to have tumbled into a murder mystery crossed with I'm not sure what. James McAvoy was there speaking in his lovely Scottish accent and we had to get somewhere but the only boats we had were more like baskets. A river was flooding and I was trying to help find something but I didn't know what or where to look. I've had worse anxiety dreams, this one was just tricky as the images stayed with me. Using a basket like coracle and the water washing everything away.

The night before last I dreamed I was in a place that felt like something out of Star Trek, all corridors and no windows but I was with the Avengers. Somehow I had a bow that wasn't a bow that I knew and I had to help. I was at the end of this line with all the heroes to the front and I didn't know how to fire the weapon.

Now neither of these dreams were truly nightmares, they've just stuck with me and I'm hoping that writing them out will someone help them not bother me as much.

Mainly I've been doing well, this is my last week of having two closing shifts in a row and I have various things planned before I head off to see my family at the end of August. I'm feeling good and spending my time reading great books like Ptolemy's Gate by Jonathan Stroud. Also I have a googledoc full of jobs to apply for and most of them are fairly easy since I already have a great cover/application letter written. The dreams are just my subconscious going you're in transition and what comes next is still up in the air. I need to keep reminding myself that I'm good at transitions and this time, I know what I want and have the tools to do amazing things.

There's a tiny bit of money worry, but I can deal with that. The nice thing about seeing my family at the end of the month is my next paycheck won't be hit as hard.

This week I've either been sleeping too little or too much and having vivid dreams. I want to try and not sleep as long since I know I'm losing much of the day, but its hard. I keep waking up at around 7 am and going I don't have to be up, then wake up near the middle of the day and still sleep so that I end up getting up at 2 pm. Now I can manage this as I don't have things I have to wake up for and with the horrible storms, it gets so dark, I have a hard time telling its daylight. This just isn't something I like doing. I'm not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination but I like having more of the day. At this point, I think the best solution is to force myself to wake up when its early and keep doing that. Part of why I think my sleep is so confused is that I'm trying to balance a lot of things and its hard to turn my thoughts off. So I'm not getting to bed and staying asleep instead I wake up and go back to sleep a few times.

Of late, I've been having variations on a recurring dream that I'm pretty sure is tied to my worries about work. In it are people from high school and it almost feels like I'm on a marching band trip. In the dream this morning, this person was asking me if I did my undergrad remote and I was confused. Then I realized that the woman I was talking to thought I was from New Zealand so clearly, I did long distance for my undergrad. It was strange and sort of nice and left me thinking about where I've been and where I want to go.

Today I signed up for an email called ineedalibrary job that I follow on Twitter so that I have jobs to pursue. I'm scared in terms of putting myself out there but there is a job for me and things are tough but I'm going to be a great librarian.

This past week has been strange, I've felt on the edge of being sick and so rather fuzzy around the edges. So all the work that I planned on getting done ahead of time for the things I have due on Monday didn't really happen. I'm feeling better, still not at full strength but better.

Also I have gotten some things done, the cards have finally been sent and I hope they make everyone smile. Sadly I didn't have addresses for everyone I would have liked to send them too but maybe another year. I adore getting mail so just like sending it when I can.

Today has started off oddly, I had this long complex dream about sharing an apartment with a friend and a guy that I wanted to be more but the dream was full of awkward moments. It made me realize that I seriously miss having someone to cuddle and cook with and just be with in my life. As I was getting dressed, I kept thinking about the guy who was my flatmate in Wellington that didn't happen due to me being scared. Someone's out there, I just need to keep being myself and always moving forward. Then I woke up and had a nice brunch with the_croupier, who I always enjoying hanging out with. After we got our food, I swung by one of the local grocery stores to buy a few things.

Depending on how my work goes this afternoon, I might go to Trader Joe's and actually stock up, that hinges on the programming work. I know I can do the work for this class but a part of me worries that well maybe 502 was a fluke, which isn't helpful. That's why I've been putting it off, my own worries get in the way.

So if I can get that done then I can do the screencast which I'm more certain of and then I still have all my reading for my Monday classes. Life is good just full at the moment.

I think I have defeated whatever cold was trying to get me. I slept nice and late after waking up at 8 am as my body went, but I thought there was class. Now I feel pretty much healthy and so I'm going to do this meme that's floating around. Last seen over on mmexlibris.

( 27 Questions )

Life is good. I slept late today and had an odd dream about a cruise ship, a performance with Damien Lewis and Miranda Otto in it, a knife attack and also in the midst of it all, a really lovely conversation with my flatmate from Wellington who I still regret not being brave enough to ask out properly.

Since my watch battery is dead, I had to go look at my mother's computer to see the time and on this lazy, grey day, I slept until noon. So far the only major bump of today was that I scratched off the code from my iTunes gift card so hopefully they can get me another one without a problem.

I wanted to also share the lovely story that I got for Yuletide that's from the world of Diana Wynne Jones' and her Magids' series. If you don't know it, go find a copy of Deep Secret.

From the Files on Wonderland

When Rupert wants to take Maree out on a surprise date, the quarrel they have is only the beginning of their troubles.

I'm so glad that I've started doing Yuletide and each year I plan on doing even more since I love writing and there's a wonderful challenge to it since I ended up writing for a fandom that I've never written for before. Also as I have the time to look through everyone's recs and through all the stories, I'm sure I'll post a few more recs.

In other news, I would really love to actually start Old Kingdom plot things. A lot of the delay has been my fault with the end of the semester but I don't have to do anything until January 5th. So I'd love to know the schedules and time commitments of everyone who volunteered to help. I have the basic plot outlined, its just a matter of putting together OOMs, figuring out what Touchstone looks like and uploading some icons into the Charter NPC account. I'm really looking forward to doing this and feel so grateful to be part of a such a great small but mighty cast.

Small edit-I love writing little ficlet gifts and since I don't have everyone's address to send them holiday cards but still want to do things for those on my flist.

Please request a couple-friendship or more shippy and whatever prompt you'd like and I'll write you something.

I woke up and I'm incredibly sore this morning, everything hurts. So I think today I will be rather lazy and maybe work on hanging some stuff up while I'm also online. Its a kind of good sort of sore though since I can look around and see so much stuff set up but I don't want to walk up the hill to down just yet.

Also I just had a round of bizarre dreams, a whole bunch of them about Harry Potter where there apparently was first this swimming competition at Hogwarts and then body switching, it was all rather detailed. Then suddenly I was in a bookstore with my mom going this doesn't seem like real Harry Potter and I looked at the cover and it was someone else writing in the world, not fanfiction but an actual other book.

Next I was in some really beautiful wooded area with my parents and oddly the mother of my best friend, I think it might have been Australia but I'm not sure. After that one, I woke up, this to me is a sign that I will be writing things today.

Also since my flist keeps popping up really good distractions, here's one from newredshoes

Ask me my fannish Top Five [Whatevers]. Any top fives. Doesn't matter what, really! And I will answer them all in a new post I will probably just answer them in comments in this post, I am lazy.

Last night I had a really wonderful dream about doing something that was a mix of a band trip and a convention in a beautiful hotel in I think Chicago. It was organized by someone I trusted and was just relaxing and the itineraries were put together including pictures of people from great times in the past including one of me at Longacre Farm.

I talked to someone there about how hot and bright sun will fade even the brightest cotton t-shirt. I'm not sure who everyone in the room I was sharing was but they all felt like people who were going to become my friends so I woke up really happy.

Today is a lovely day and I just had some Chinese food and now I'm going to catch up on my slows, sort through a few boxes and then come back and take care of the lovely new tags for my pups.

Today I was going to try and get to the library to talk to the children's librarian about storytelling since she tends to leave around one. I woke up this morning just scared, because I want this so much and worrying well what if she's not there. Also the rather disturbing dream about The Young Riders didn't really help.

I just told my father and there are times I want to yell at him saying well that's too bad and giving me a look of expected better really doesn't help. I'm going to talk to her just during the week, I feel so much like myself when I tell stories and it makes me happy and I might even get paid slightly, I'm allowed to freak out a bit. I think I might need to go out and just get out of the house before I tie myself into more knots about how clearly I failed since I didn't go this morning.

And I must pimp the Fifteen Minute Festival, its made me smile and I'm trying to pass those smiles on. Right deep breath, things will work out somehow.